Yes, it’s Tuesday- and I missed the Sunday post..I hope you don’t mind. I’m low. I’m sad and I’m finding it hard in moments like these, to want to do anything else. I need to streamline and preserve my energy for my son, whom I’m raising and loving- and since my mother has passed, life is just SO empty and I feel like I am truly doing this all alone.
My father is also hospitalized, and is not doing well. (If you’re in So Cal and want details please email me)
And I’m dealing with non family members exerting power and agendas that are making every step of this even more excrutiating.
And I run a business.
It is a LOT
And yesterday I had a fleeting thought to just walk away!
“Protect your energy and just walk away!”
But, I’m Sylvia Whites daughter. We used to joke about this all the time. She would say to me, “you are me, just better and smarter,” and I always took that in stride, thinking to myself, “I am everything I am because I watched you do it.” This is true now more than ever. I attribute everything and every aspect of who I am, to watching my rockstar mother navigate and trailblaze life in general, as an unaplogetic, brilliant woman.
When I was younger and throughout my teenage life, my mother was a loyal and engaged mother. She was snuggly and warm at times, but nurturing was not perhaps her most consistent attribute. With high school friend drama, to not getting picked for the lead in the school play, to getting fired from Noahs bagels at 16 for telling a customer to fuck off (true story!)- my mothers support and guidance came in the form of, “that sucks, but I know you’ll figure it out.” She didn’t rescue me from discomfort (sometimes I wish she would have), but in the end, I ALWAYS figured it out. And I mean, always.
I am the most resourceful, resilient human being I know. I have faced adversity that would make others collapse, and I have thrived. I am emotionally evolved with a keen sense of self and others. I say this with such confidence, because I am steadfast in the internal framework my mother helped me create and build.
With this “bad bitch” mentality- so lovingly exchanged between me and my mother in our Girl Power esque identities, comes though, the (sometimes) lonley feelings that accompanies. The outside world sees the grit, and assumes we don’t need them, that we don’t need help. Don’t need the community. It CAN be lonesome. It can feel isolated. It can be hard. And asking for help is a superpower that I have only just begun to explore.
SO, today, I’m crying. Drinking my coffee, looking at the photo album I put together of my my mom shortly after her death, that I carry around with me in my purse, talk with elder and estate lawyers on repeat, put on a happy face for my clients, take my kid to the skatepark, and NOT walking away because it’s easier.
I’m going to figure it out.
It’s the duty of my lifetime, to protect my family, our legacy and I think my mom would be proud of my Chutzpah.
Thanks for reading. I’m sorry if what you thought was an artadvice blog, has morphed into my quasi healing journal - it’s important to me that you’re here, so thank you